You'd figure after going through depressive episodes basically 3 years straight, I would have gotten used to it by now.

Honestly. From 16 to 19 years old, which I still am, 9 hospitalizations! Plenty of medication combo tries, therapies, even about 10 rounds of ECT treatments. I have improved since I began this "journey"...I no longer resort to SI or suicide soon after the depression starts.

But...the mood swings are still there. For me, my Bipolar is about 90% depression and 10% mania. So I don't usually swing from mania to depression. Rather, I swing from basically feeling "balanced" to really depressed. It's very discouraging, to feel almost "normal" and then to have it come crashing down.

I used to be considered highly intelligent, full of promise, that kind of kid that could do whatever she set her mind to. This began to change in the 11th grade, due to several hospitalizations and time spent trying to recover. The 10 rounds of ECT really messed with my brain (although they were helpful at the time), so my ability did decrease. I am still intelligent, but not as much as I used to be. Being a kid who put a ton of importance on grades, it was like being punched in the stomach.

Eventually though, I got used to not being "the smart one" anymore, because I just didn't care. I am currently finishing my last 2 high school courses, but have literally no motivation to do the work. I do want to attend college, but I don't know what to major in and in the back of my mind I think I will fail because I have a history of failure. I mean, 9 hospitalizations? I feel like, there must be something wrong with me if I had to come back so many times.

I haven't been back to the hospital in almost 6 months, which I think is great. But...I just really hate being in these long stretches of depression. Sometimes I can feel pretty good, wonder if maybe I actually have a shot in this thing called life...and then BOOM. Gone.

Why can't balance ever be achieved? It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be mania & depression free. I don't mind small mood swings that everyone gets...but the Bipolar mood swings are too much for me to handle.

I am currently working with my psychiatrist to slowly increase the dosage of one medication...so there will hopefully be some progress. I'm also seeing my therapist, which is somewhat helpful.

I can feel the bitterness in me though. What happened to that ambitious, hopeful girl that used to be me? I don't know...and I know I can't change the past. I want to change my future, but sometimes it feels hopeless. I am 19 years old and on disability, which also makes me feel bad about myself.

Wow...I'm sorry for ranting but just needed to get this out somehow.