Dear Melissa,
For what it's worth, re: those nine hospitalizations... you weren't in charge of those, so if they failed to "fix" you, the failures weren't yours, they were the docs in charge.

Also, consider your age: 16-19. So much is going on with your body at this age that I doubt the docs had any idea what the drugs they were throwing into the mix were affecting in the overall you. Chances are, with your hormones & body chemistry settling down into The Adult Melissa, psychiatrists are going to have a much easier time finding an effective cocktail for you.

I was one of those wizz kids too. I crashed when I went away to college. I know that feeling of never getting it right again. I wish I'd been dx'd as bipolar then, it would have made a huge difference. I was dx'd as depressed--which I was, but that wasn't the whole story.

If that "ambitious, hopeful girl" that used to be you weren't still there, you would never have written that post. You're still you. I see you, Melissa. You are an adult now, no longer a child, & you will research your disorder, ask questions, demand results. You will not settle for what the medical establishment sees fit to give you. You will learn what you need and discover how to fulfill that need.

Take the hopelessness and bitterness & release them to the heavens. They will only weaken you. You have the right to a full & rich life. Complete your education. Believe me, people who do best in the world weren't class valedictorian! Find good doctors, demand the best treatment, settle for nothing less.

You're 19! You should expect a terrific life, and start right now working toward just that.