Please Don't think you are a complete nutcase when it comes to relationships- due to You describe what I do ---- I am 25, I got in my very first relationship at 22 (very scary!), and we have been together for 3 years (yay) I am shocked some days, I still do the "crazy" thinking and all still. I do the same, accuse, apologize, cry both for being mean and being stupid in my head or out loud. Over thing things, hate him at times (sorry babe I do love you so much too). Think about leaving, but know I need him as well..... It is rough, thinking things are illusions at times with the relationship, then some small star comes out and goes BANG- It is not an illusion!

I am lucky I have found someone that understands a little with me, with the dx's and my past... and how it effects the now.... and puts up with me... Now I am not out right a total yelling person- but a quiet one... but yet I can be cruel.

Anneinside and Secretum could be possibly correct with BPD or traits of that. I know there are a few that disagree a little that BP and BPD can be intertwined but IDK- I can see how.

The Pdoc put down I was BP2/PTSD, My T thinks I have BPD traits coupled with the BP2/PTSD (to be honest I would go with T more than the Pdoc cuz he only saw me once and T has seen me multiple times and talks more with me). Blah- I care about the dx's but then I don't care due to I just wish it would go away and I could find peace.....

I thought by 3 years I would stop this chaos in my head with the thinking on our relationship, but sadly it has not.. That is one of a many reasons I started therapy this year. I hope by at least 5 (that was my longest friendship ever) that it will cool down, but IDK some days...

I wish you well, I am not sure what to suggest.......

One thing that my boyfriend and I do, is that we talk, text each other with things. He always is willing to talk even at work (he may have to call back but none the less he is there to talk)... I think talking and understanding with things are really key to a relationship (especially if there is trust issues from past or just chemical imbalance with the brain).

I can suggest this---- Cuz I remember when I was 20 I was thinking too much getting too upset that I was 20 and had not been a relationship, had not given it up to anyone and so on..... Then when I least expected it- some one showed an interest in me, some one that i was very (still am) interested in to
What i am trying to say in so many words- Is don't rush such an important thing, I do believe when the right time comes, all will find some one.

And if even if people do not find "lovers" in the since of a spouse, I do believe that there are many other ways that love finds us, through friendship too which is awesome!