Hi there,
I'm new to the site and am feeling quite down on myself for many reasons. Mainly because I spied on my BF and I feel I've broken his trust. I am recently divorced and so he is. We both have kids and in the last 4mths that we have been dating, try to spend as much time as we can together. Lately however, I've noticed that he's become more distant and when I asked him about it he told me that he was in a 'just feeling low' but that everything was ok.
He doesn't know that I checked his phone nor the reason why I'm upset. I am trying not to show my emotion about this but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and let things eat at me from the inside out.
So the other day, he stepped into the shower and his phone was on the coffee table. I took a quick peak at his text messages just to see if there was an explanation for why he's become so low. I honestly don't know why or how anything I found in there could help me help him, but by the time I realized I was snooping, it was too late.
I found texts between him and his close friend and everything seemed fine until his friend asked about me. My bf's response was less than flattering to say the least and he actually said that he might go back online to the dating site where we met and see what else was out there. Now, I have changed up the actual script abit as I don't want to put rude or vulgar things in here but to say I was shocked and hurt would be an understatement.
I wasn't able to read the rest of the text mainly due to my complete shock and heartbreak. My eyes immediately filled up with tears and I just focussed on getting the phone back where I found it before he came back in the room.
Needless to say I was crushed. I tried to pretend I was fine and when he asked me to stay over that night, I hanked him for the offer but tried to leave. I usually stay, so for me to pick up and leave is very out of character. He seemed lost by my response and I decided to stay to keep things as normal as possible.
His touch and kiss immediately felt different to me and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since.
The following morning, he seemed like his normal self and I tried to as well. But...I am lost and don't know what to do. If I contront him then I'm proving to him that I didn't trust him and that will send him off the deep end. If I keep this in, it will eat away at me and I don't want to slip into a depression because of this.
Before this happened, I could feel myself falling in love with him and I can honestly say that my feelings havent changed I am just really hurt and really scared that what I thought we had was maybe just smoke and mirrors.
We have plans to go away this weekened together and now I don't know what to do. I thought that we should still go and this will be the test of whether there is any strength to our relationship and if not, this will be the final straw. I have no intentions on mopin around and having him 'pick up my pieces' considering he doesn't know why I'm hurting in the first place.
I have tried to tell myself that I have to give him the benefit of the doubt as I didn't have a chance to read the entire text and maybe (just maybe) they were joking around (which he does often) and what I saw was just a poor attempt at guy to guy humour.
Either way, I'm torn. I have not mentioned this to any of my friends as I am mortified at what I've done, let alone what I've found. I know my friends would back me up and support me but then they will automatically hate him for this and I don't want to cause anymore drama than I already have.
I welcome any suggestions, comments or questions regarding this post. Please be honest and don't worry...I know I goofed and I deserve my lumps for this one.
Take care.