((lyrical_chula)) I agree with the above posters--- and strongly with for you to admit out loud even here, even to yourself of this issue, is a big step.. now the next step is to get help from some one that is able to help.

I know therapy can be $$$- but go to your county mental health office and surely they can help you. In my county they can help people with out insurance, with out a job, with out any thing- they are there to help.

You don't have to do this struggle on your own, you are already taking the steps by realizing something is wrong.

Best wishes to you