I'm sorry the meds make you think you're ill. I guess if someone were recommending an antipsychotic to me, I'd feel the same as you do.

My son takes an antipsychotic, and I don't think he has a brain disease. I think he was overwhelmed with anxiety/panic - just like you are now. The medication is a tranquilizer. See the wikipedia article: "An antipsychotic (or neuroleptic) is a tranquilizing psychiatric medication ..."

When a person is in a state of emotional overwhelm, it's extremely difficult to think clearly about his or her situation. This is because the brain is designed to turn off the reasoning mind while the person deals with the immediate danger. If you have to jump out of the path of an oncoming car, it isn't helpful to think. You just have to act. The problem comes, IMO, when a person is so overwhelmed by the stressful situation that he or she can't get back to a rational state. Panic moves in and sets up house permanently.

You don't have to have a diseased brain to get into this state of panic. Anyone who is put into a bad enough situation might find themselves suffering in exactly the way you are now. I personally don't think you're ill, Kureha. You're a human being who's gotten into a tough spot and is having a hard time finding her way out.

The medication doesn't fix the situation that's causing the panic. The medication helps you control the panic so you can think more clearly. Does that make sense? When you can think more clearly, you can deal with the things that are scaring you, you can attend school successfully, and you can work with your therapist more effectively.

The medication is a tool you can choose to use to make it easier to cope with this bad situation. If you decide to go that route, I hope you do what my son is doing now: take it regularly as prescribed and try to get to the lowest effective dosage. Right now my son is thinking far more clearly and he's dealing with the problems that got him into that scary place.

If you decide to take the medication and want to quit later, go off of it slowly. Quitting suddenly can cause its own set of problems - not because you're mentally ill but because your brain has habituated to the med and needs to readjust to being without it.

That must be very frustrating. The thoughts about college being hard and about getting behind in class are contributing to the panic, btw.

I would like to suggest that college isn't too hard for you; you're very intelligent. The reason it has seemed hard is that you're spending a lot of energy trying to control the fear. If you had a way to dial down the fear a bit, attending class and focusing on your coursework would be easier.

I would also like to suggest that it doesn't matter if you're behind now. If you need to, you can withdraw from school and start again next semester. There will always be another math class. Guaranteed. Don't let the worry about being behind add to your anxiety. If you can't catch up, quit and start over later.