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When depression started creeping up on me in the 6th grade (funny, eh?) I didn't think everyone hated me - I just knew that they didn't like me.
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I suppose that you're right-hated is a tad bit too strong. I suppose I felt more ignored and forgotten than hated. Though to my 6th grade self, any form of rejection = hatred. I learned to anticipate such treatment, and I haven't truly taken off my cloak of invisibility since. By high school I had become a lot more paranoid. I felt like anyone could see all of my faults and shortcomings simply by looking at me. Needless to say, I didn't make too many close friends.
I'm really impressed that you read War and Peace in 5th grade! I've always loved to read, but as a kid I was allergic to classics. I loved virtually everything else, though. In 7th grade, I literally had no friends (yes I was that pathetic). I always had a book with me, and when the other kids chatted before class I felt that it was safe for me to read. (I also had this OCD-like need to not break any rules. I helped a kid in my history class with his homework once, and I had to "confess" that I had to my teacher because I felt so guilty for "helping him cheat". So as much as I wanted to, I couldn't read during class at penalty of being a "bad person".)
I still haven't read War and Peace, but I have really enjoyed Crime and Punishment and Anna Karenina.
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Both oh so true! Though a lack of being open is far from my only reason in not connecting/being lonely, it's undoubtedly one of them. I have walls upon walls, and I have only recently managed to let a few down with my psych. It's timely how you mention the anonymity thing, AniManiac. I said this just yesterday at my appt.! Same with the grocery store, even really wishing that I did know some PCers IRL, but am realistic enough to know that I would just clam up again... Sigh.
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I completely get you on the "walls upon walls" problem.
I wish I could achieve some real emotional intimacy, but the fear is too strong. I really wish that I could meet y'all in real life! It would be amazing to have an organized get-together, but it's pretty infeasible with people living on at least 4 different continents.