I had a (telephone) confrontation with my daughter, 24, last night. Thankfully it was just hours after my therapy appt. and the dr. and I had discussed how best to handle the interactions I have repeatedly encountered with her throughout the years. The T-doc helped me formulate (for want of a better word) a "script" that I could use to express my feelings about her lying, manipulation, disrespect, etc., and also what I need from her insofar as changes of interaction and behavior. And T-doc also told me that since I would be changing the way I was communicating with her that she would most likely react with anger and attempt to twist the communication back to a level where she could be in charge of it. Well, it all played out exactly as the T-doc predicted. I don't know what the future will hold but I do know that I cannot have a relationship with my daughter because I can't trust a word that she says.

She has 2 beautiful and healthy babies (2 years and 7 mos.) but repeatedly puts her own self-interest above the children. Over the years she has come up with every diagnostic label to justify her behavior. And she blames everyone and every institution for her repeated failures and will not accept any personal responsibility. She's blown every wonderful opportunity (many were made available to her more than once) to get an education, develop marketable skills, or establish a career. Her own best thinking got her where she is today. Neither she nor her husband can support themselves and now they are relying on his mother to provide shelter, transportation, childcare, etc. Peripherally, they have also managed to "con" his aunt and grandmother into giving them money. Of course, there are drugs involved. Now he's in a 90-day rehab (which Grandmom and Aunt are paying for). My daughter is very jealous of that, so now she has quit (after 4 weeks) one of the 25-50 jobs she has deserted and rather than be a responsible parent she is now claiming that she too has an overwhelming "drug problem" and must go into a rehab or an intensive IOP program, which of course will absolve her of caring for the children and MIL will care for them 24/7.

5 weeks ago she mentioned this "jealousy" she had, that husband was away and how she resented that she had to care for the children "single-handedly", which by the way was not true since MIL is caring for them. She was so distraught, hysterical, and depressed and couldn't pay for a psych eval. (no insurance), nor could she stand to wait 5 weeks for the appt. she had at the community facility. So Mommy (me) agreed to private pay for a psychiatrist ($300) with the understanding that she was to explain that she would not be able to become a regular patient but that she needed meds until she could go the community facility. I then paid for the medications that were prescribed. Subsequently I found out that she lied about what medications had been prescribed. She told me 2 of them, (psych meds), but there were actually 3 meds, one of which was Klonopin, a medication, according to my doctor, which would not have been prescribed to anyone with an addiction problem. So she must have lied to the psychaitrist as well. She also lied to me about quitting her job. I have been through scenarios like this (in one form or another) since she was 15 years old. And even before that, there were school, behavior, lying, deceit and stealing issues. All of these were addressed as they occured through therapy, medication, interventions etc.

I was divorced when she was 2, remarried when she was 5. She saw her father (who also remarried) on visitations. Her step-mother treated her with love, kindness and respect. Her step-father did the same and always wanted the best for her. There was no abuse (sexual or otherwise) or neglect in her formative years. She comes from an upper-middle class background. She had swimming, dance, gymnastic and horseback riding lessons, sleep-away camp, and private tutoring when her math skills fell behind. She participated in school sports and went to every prom and dance outfitted to the nines. She has travelled internationally with me and with her father. She scored highly on her SAT's and was accepted to every college she applied to and was offered scholarships.

I am accepting responsibilty for whatever my part has been to enable her behavior but I will no longer enable. My husband and I, along with the other grandparents (excepting her father who has literally washed his hands of her) are putting the needs of the grandchildren first. I have a feeling that at some time in the future (and I believe it will be sooner rather than later) a crisis will occur that may trigger the state stepping in to decide who can properly care for the children. And we have made it known that should this occur we will be there for whatever the children need, meaning we will share reponsibility for their upbringing if that's what's required. I am so sickened by all of this. It has taken it's toll on me (and my relationship with my husband) for so many years. Others have told me I did nothing wrong, I gave her love, nurturing, and care. I have never felt that she really loved me and I often looked at the relationships other moms and daughters had and realized that just wasn't what we had. I used to feel anger, then sorrow, but now I really don't feel anything. Just that I want to be able to step up and be a responsible grandparent to two innocents.

Thank you for leting me vent.