Squiggle

I'm so proud of you for what you said in therapy AND for recognizing how awesome, fabulous, and wonderful you are! Good for you, Squiggle!

I must say, I am also curious to know more details about the masturbation conversations y'all have had with your Ts. What exactly did you say? What follow-up questions did your Ts ask? How were your Ts able to help? What benefits did you gain from the discussion with your Ts?

Now for the embarassing things I've shared with T... well, T and I have certainly talked about sex. I don't have trouble talking about sex with her, though. I don't find it all that embarassing to tell her what I've done in bed with my girlfriend, or about buying things like handcuffs to use on my gf. In fact, I told T I didn't particularly care for the sex shop she recommended-- and I told her which one I preferred instead! She said our difference in opinion was due to the fact that we were looking to buy different items... and she was right. I found that conversation amusing (kind of awesome, really)-- not embarrassing.

Another time, T said something like "oh, you look pretty today" and then about ten minutes later, she was like "wait, you know I wasn't making a pass at you, right?" I about fell out of my chair! OF COURSE I knew she wasn't doing that-- I was shocked it could even cross her mind that could be a possible interpretation of what she said! This then led to us clarifying that there was no sexual attraction or tension between us. The way she said it was kind of hillarious. She told me what her type was (the opposite of what I am) and then she was like "but, I mean, you're very pretty, you're just not, I mean..."--- I stopped her and was like IT'S OKAY!!! You don't need to justify why I'm not your type! lol. T already knows what my type is (the opposite of what she is) so I didn't feel I needed to say a whole lot... I mean, I didn't want to say "gee, T, you're so awesome on the inside but outside... well....uh..." While this whole conversation was certainly awkward, it wasn't really embarrassing. I mean, the whole point was that we DON'T have embrassing feelings for each other... well, at least not embarrassing in a sexual way! Which brings me to my last point...

Okay, so, for me, what WAS embarssing... EXTREMELY embarrassing... was telling T that I feel "kid cuddly" towards her. It was embarrassing to admit that to her that I want more touch in my life in general, and even more embarrassing to admit she's one of the people I want it from. I'm used to getting touch in romantic relationships, but what I really want is platonic/ maternal touch-- that kind of supportive, nurturing, safe touch kids usally get from their parents (but I never got). So, for me, that comes up a lot with my T. I see her as maternal and I crave that kind of nurturing from her. I've talked to her about this more than once, and she's always been accepting of how I feel and told me that, given my background, it's completely understanable why I feel this way. However, she often minimizes it by pointing out the fact that she and I hug-- she tells me: "you get that with me!" What I can't bring myself to say-- because I'm too embarrassed-- is that I want more than just an end of session hug. I want to cuddle up to her on the couch and have her hold me (like she would a kid). But, because I'm an adult, I'm embarrased about feeling this way. I feel like, as an adult, it's not okay to want to cuddle up to another grown-up and have her take care of me. I mean, it sounds totally weird to say "I want to cuddle up to my therapist." When we had that conversation where I said I felt "kid cuddly" towards her, she made a joke, saying: "I mean, we can't just sit there and hold each other all session!" That was SO AWKWARD. I immediately was like "OMG that's not what I meant!" I mean, I don't feel THAT cuddly towards her! But what I wanted to say-- couldn't say was: "of course I don't want to sit there and hold each other for an hour... but I do want about a minute!" I've been feeling this more lately because I'm sick (just got diagnosed with a chronic condiiton). It's triggering all of my "I never got taken care of when I was sick as a kid" stuff-- and I don't have anyone to take care of me now, either (just broke up with my partner). So, alas, I want T to step in and take care of me. She'll also make jokes like "I wish I had a magic wand" or "I wish I could just make it all better"-- and I want so badly to say "You can! Just hold me for one minute!" But, alas, that is too embarrassing. I couldn't handle hearing her say "no, that's not okay." It would crush me to hear her say I can't have that, because it would be saying that my desires are not okay-- what my inner kid wants is not okay-- that I'm an adult and I need to "grow up" and get over all of the ways I was deprived as a child. A part of me doesn't want to just get over it; a part of me still holds out hope that, someday, somehow, I'll get that nurturing I never got.