Aeternis, are you at UChicago? "Life of the Mind" is its informal slogan, and it seems exactly like the kind of institution that would attract a passionate scholar such as yourself. I could be completely off with the U of C idea, but if you are there remember that it is a very rigorous university. Everyone in your class is learning that s/he is not the smartest person in the classroom anymore, and I'd imagine that would be disorientating even for people without mood disorder.

I can really relate to what you wrote. My senior year of high school, I had a similar breakdown when I was hit with the worst depressive episode I had ever experienced. I couldn't study. I found it hard to complete my homework (and even harder to actually put some effort in it). Even staying awake during class (and exams!) was difficult.

Unfortunately, I haven't fully recovered yet. Like FarmerGirl, I am bipolar. We bipolars tend to have recurring depressions; sometimes it feels like every time I start to build my castle the waves come crashing through to destroy my progress. But I have gained through the process.

I learned fairly quickly to have more compassion for others. I used to be a bit of a snob; I somewhat assumed that anyone who didn't do as well as I did in school was either dumber or lazier. Literally being forced to be lazy by an illness that took all the concentration I needed to study taught me on an emotional level that there are many, many factors that determine success (and not just academic success!). The recurrent depression also forced me to take a long hard look at what I wanted to do with my life. I consciously realized what I had always known: I was fascinated by psychology. Now I'm majoring in it. I realized that I did not want to be a research scientist; writing grants and collecting data just would not give me the human contact that the depression taught me I valued. I have discovered a career that is perfect for me: psychiatry. I love the human mind and am interested in both the psychological and biological aspects of it. I love talking to people about deeper issues that psych disorders affect: What is identity?, What is our purpose in life?, Why do we have to deal with so much pain?

And speaking of pain...as I psychiatrist, I will be fighting mental illness everyday, all day. I wouldn't mind being a research psychiatrist, as many of them still see some patients. Overall, I'll be standing up to my disorder. And it will feel so good.

So, take this time to reflect on your true goals and interests. In the face of depression, anything else will just not seem to be worth fighting for. And once you've ID'd your interests, hold on to them with a firm grip. Depression is not satisfied until it has taken everything.

Like I said earlier, I still haven't fully recovered from the depression that overwhelmed me 2 years ago. Studying is very hard. It's difficult to get interested in my coursework, and I haven't reclaimed my identity as a capable student. But I am making progress. Last Saturday, I did my best to study for my neurobiology exam. Not only was I able to focus for longer than usual, there were points when I actually found it enjoyable. I am slowly rediscovering my love for biology and for learning. What we both need to do is to forget about our positions and focus on our velocities.