Before therapy, I reached out to NO ONE, EVER. I would never have shared my feelings or asked for help or opened up. I had friends, and they shared a lot with me, but the sharing was super one-way.

Once I learned how to trust T, even a little bit, I started reaching out to him...when things happened, or I needed to process something, or I needed help getting through a situation. I have reached out to him SO MANY TIMES in the past 4 years, and he's never told me not to, or suggested that I might want to reach out to a friend, or anything. He's just been so. consistently. there.

And in the middle of all of that, I started reaching out here...and here, it's been the same thing. Just people being HERE, so consistently, to listen, to help, to provide feedback. And it's felt safe because it's anonymous and has helped me SO SO much.

Anyhow, recently, I've noticed that without thinking about it, or talking about it, or making it a goal, or planning it, I've been reaching out to friends right here in my real life. T, too. Both. I've had some things come up in the past 10 days or so, and I've shared my feelings with and asked for support from (!) friends, AND T. I'll send them an e-mail, and also send one to T...and every time, my friends have replied first, and have been so loving and helpful and supportive..and when I need it, funny and irreverent. And eventually T replies, and that feels good too.

I hear about a lot of Ts on the board really pushing people to reach out for support "in real life"...outside of the therapy room..and I was thinking, maybe it just HAPPENS. Maybe once we've experience enough of the safety and solidness and consistency of the T relationship, it just naturally feels less scary to reach out in real life. Maybe it's not a PUSHING as much as an ALLOWING...allowing the changes to take place, allowing the process to happen.

I imagine the balance will tip eventually...maybe sooner, maybe later...and I will reach out to my friends more and T less.

It's another of those points I NEVER would have thought I would come to at the beginning of therapy...or even a year ago in therapy. It's not ME. But it IS.

I remember early in therapy I wanted T to tell me stories of people who "got better". And he never could give me a really clear story, and now I'm starting to get why. It seems like "getting better" is made up of all of these seemingly small things...learning to accept feelings for what they are, learning to live in the moment, learning to connect with other people in an authentic way...that add up to something so big.

I see T tomorrow. H was drunk tonight and that's SUPER SUPER SUPER triggering to me (still! argh!), so we'll talk about that...because I want to learn to get past that trigger (he's not abusive or anything when he's drunk). But I hope I remember to tell him *this* too, because we did it together.