I am so tired of this. Just exited another major depressive episode. This one was bad - suicide plan all laid out, suicide notes written... a friend of mine convinced me to wait a few days and that was just long enough for the meds to kick in, but I still think that committing suicide would be a good idea to end all this misery. Told my therapist about all of this last night and I got the distinct impression that she was right on the brink of having me involuntarily taken to the hospital.

Every episode like this one seems to dig deeper and deeper into me. Each one seems to take me one step closer to my own demise. Last time, it was all about identifying the right method. This time it was about securing the materials to execute that method. I'm getting the feeling that the next depressive episode will result in actual execution.

To top it all off, my wife has pretty much withdrawn her support. We talked a bit earlier this week and I told her part of me really wanted to give up on the marriage and on life because her comments to me when I'm depressed are so sarcastic and mean (those are her coping mechanisms). She said she'd go to marriage counseling if I wanted her to go, but back-pedaled when I asked her about it again tonight.

To top it all off, I've started to fall in love with another friend of mine who has been supporting me all the way through this and has been there for me every step of the way when my wife was not. I know my friend does not feel the same way towards me, but part of me really longs to just give up everything in my life now to be with her. Looking back, I think I got married because I was afraid of being alone rather than because I felt any real deep connection with her. Part of me still loves my wife, but part of me honestly doesn't and wants to end the marriage.

A different friend of mine, whom I've told all of this to, thinks this may all be part of a "self-destruct" mechanism - some subconscious attempt to sabotage and destroy my relationships to "pave the way" for a suicide and make sure there is no going back.

I really don't care what happens anymore, I just want it all to stop.