your depressive episodes sound very much like the ones i used to have. my cycles were very predictable so i would pick a date and give myself permission to kill myself if i were still that depressed on that date. as long as all my commitments to others were fulfilled of course so i didnt leave anybody disappointed. i of course would choose a date outside of my depressive cycles. and then i would make more committments as well. it was my way of tricking myself into staying alive just in case i was still depressed. the last episode i had was very bad and i knew i would end up dead and that is when i finally broke down and got on medication and miraculously, this time, it worked. i started praying to god to let me die when i was six and became suicidal at sixteen and had my first attempt at 21. I have been suicidal all my life. My last attempt was about two years ago. For some reason I have worked very hard to stay alive when my mind has told me all I want to do is die. I really dont understand it. But I no longer have those active suicidal thoughts plaguing me.

I really understand your desire to want it all to stop. After being stable this last couple years I no longer have to feel that way. As much as I hated having to resort to medication, it has made a world of difference in my life. I always viewed life trapped from the bottom of the deepest darkest well and never felt I would find a way out of it. The more I tried to climb out of it, the deeper I felt I would sink. But I am out of it now. There is light all around me. I dont feel like I am in any danger of falling back in it. I havent a clue what I am going to do with myself yet, but I know I dont want to go back there. I have been off antidepressants for a year now. Still on a mood stabilizer. (bipolar)

As for your relationships, it would be remiss to make any kind of decision when you are in your current condition. The feelings toward your friend are enhanced by the fact that she is being so supportive during this dark time and the negative feelings toward your wife based on the fact that she is withdrawing from you. But it would be hard to get an accurate accounting of either of their feelings because your judgement right now is not at its best.

If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me. Hang in there.