((onedown))
It is very hard to go through what you are going through right now and your illness is directing your thoughts as well. It is difficult to comprehend that in the moment because you simpling living your life right? I have gone down that road within my marriage too, only i contemplated leaving my marriage for different reasons. Regardless of the reasons, the only time I really thought about escaping and leaving it all is when I have been in a state of mind such as yours. When you are in such state of despair and so tired and sick of it, all of the "easy" escapes come to mind. I would have to say that in the state that you are in you very well may be in "self destruct" mode and I am so sorry to hear about your struggles right now. You are seeking help and fighting for your life and that is something to hold on to and it helps to try to focus on your fight rather than your struggles(i know that is easier said than done). Perhaps at some point when you are feeling better you will be able to potentially go to marriage counseling if at that point you are able to think rationally to make decisions. As daunting as the task may be, I hope you can find the strength to allow yourself to relax and keep your focus on one thing at a time. Time and following your pdoc and t is your best bet my friend. if you can keep focused on one thing, just remember, there is a road to the way back, you just have to stay on the road. Hang in there and take care