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Nov 11, 2011, 09:45 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2011
Location: Belgium
Posts: 195
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Hello Everyone,
I've been feeling a bit weird these days. I had a bad depression in August and then hypomania, but then I was doing OK on Lamictal and Effexor. I know it's still early days, but although I feel sort of superficially OK, underneath there is still some kind of pain/void/hole/hopelessness. You know?
It seems to be so 'deep' somehow that it's like it's part of me. I can't envisage things being any other way, and have no concept of the future, or any hope, plans or goals. I feel like my life is sort of finished now (not sui at all though). At work I am rather breezy and cheery, but underneath I feel like I am messing everything up, and so inferior to my colleagues. I just try to get through the day because all I want to do (ever) is get home and be alone. I never want to see people or do things.
I saw pdoc yesterday and he said that things are not very positive (though not disastrous, which I agree with) but there are too many factors at play now for him to know if it is a full depression or if it's stress/depression triggered by work alone. He told me to do less work for the next two weeks (ha!), and he will decide at next appointment whether to increase the anti-depressant or not. He's not in favour of that due to risk of hypomania. I trust this guy and think he's an excellent pdoc - best I've ever had.
Anyway. I don't really know why I'm posting this. I'm grateful for a place where I can air my feelings with people who understand.
I find it disheartening that despite mood stabilisers and anti-depressants one is not always stable or un-depressed. Does anything help?? I suppose that the way to look at it is without these meds things might be a lot worse.
Wishing everyone a lovely weekend. I'll be chilling out and 'taking care of myself' - doctor's orders 
Beebizzy
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