Went to therapy today. I got about 4 hours sleep last night because I was so worried about driving there by myself. I took a couple wrong turns, but I made it, and on time. I know I made it to be so much more of a big deal in my head than it actually was, but as a consequence I felt quite shaky when I arrived. I don't think T noticed. I gave her my homework, and she was like 'oh... I'll have to think about this and we'll work on it next week...' (It's a cognitive exercise called the Johari Window, and I think she was surprised at just how self-aware I am. I think she was expecting to go 'aha! See? This is how you think others see you, and this is how they really see you.' Scuppered! :P)

I'm trying hard not to feel down and disheartened after today's session. I think perhaps it's just that, as always, I had so much to say, so much I wanted to talk about, and I just feel so frustrated (with myself and this illness, not her.)

We had some intellectual conversation, about psychology/meds/depression etc, and my T was like 'you're obviously an intelligent young lady', and I was thinking 'I know, right, so why can't I sort my life out?'

I guess the session boiled down to:
(in a nutshell,) T: You need to get a job. I can't see how else you can move forward.
(in a nutshell,) Me: Yes, but I want a meaningful career, but I don't know what I want to do anymore, or how to get it, and I don't feel ready, and I HAD a job (and everything that goes with it) and I couldn't cope, I was a MESS, and I'm terrified of putting myself in that position again.

Sometimes I think to myself 'I'm sure we've been over this'... because I know what she's saying, I do. I know what I 'need' to do, in theory, but in practice, the depression and anxiety are crippling -- she may find it hard to imagine just how badly I get affected, she hasn't really witnessed me 'on the edge'... I feel like it doesn't matter how logical or illogical I know something to be, because there's some part of my brain not listening to logic, or to me!

GAHHHH! My T said something like 'So what are we going to do?' and I was just like 'I. don't. know.' What do I want her to do? What do I think she/we can do? Do I expect her to have all the answers?

If she weren't so measured and reasurring and T-like, I would see her frustration. She told me she wants me to feel better, to feel happy. I know she does. I know she genuinely wants to help me.

But, I’m left feeling kind of despondent. And I feel bad that she can see I'm despondent. She has been such a help to me this year, and I don't want to devalue that. She's a reassuring voice in my head, and this therapy is the only thing that has made any kind of difference to my bleak outlook at all - a ray of hope... but: sometimes I wonder if what I’m asking of her is to join me as I bang my head dully against a wall.

I guess it was just one of those sessions. My mood is just in a low place right now. I'm starting a new med, though, so I'm hoping for the best... this just might be a shaky few weeks.

She gave me more time than she needed to, and even so she seemed apologetic when she said 'Is it okay if we end there, I'm expecting someone.' I nodded, and used her reassuring smile trick back at her.

Maybe my expectations are too high for therapy as well as everything else It's not like I feel we get nowhere, I'm just impatient we can't do more, annoyed that the hour goes so fast, frustrated that I have so much invested in this one session every week and I need as much mileage out of it as I can get?!

Mehhhh!!

Thanks for reading, if you're still with me! I just needed to share.