It just feels like the will to keep "fighting the fight" is gone. Even today, I got an excellent Quarterly Review for my work and my only thought through it all was "I wonder how the people at work would take it if I just vanished?" For the longest time, I was afraid that my demise would hurt the people around me so much that they'd hate me forever, but now part of me thinks that would be a good thing - would allow me to just fade away.

I believe in an afterlife, but even the thought of nothing afterwards is comforting. My biggest fear now is fear that I would screw up the attempt and would then be stuck dealing with everyone's anger at me if I survived. I just don't know if i can be helped any further