Let me start off by saying that I'm BiPolar and have posted a lot on the BiPolar forums here. I've been experiencing mood swings for almost 2 years now ever since my previous medication regiment failed and the Doctors had to switch my meds. My wife and I dated/married while I was pretty stable, so the past year and a half was her first real exposure to the manic/depressive episodes. My wife comes from a family with a BiPolar (her mother), so initially while dating I thought (and she implied) that she would understand what its like to go through an episode and would be able to support me through one if I ever had one again. Instead, whenever I fall into an episode, her responses are mostly sarcastic and mean. She'll ask how I feel and if I answer truthfully ("I'm feeling depressed today"), she will literally throw her hands into the air and say "well there's nothing I can do about that." She also says other things like "Why can't you just *be happy*!" and "Why can't you just *be normal*" and "Your problem is that you don't think positive".

I have both a psychiatrist that I visit monthly and a therapist I visit bi-weekly. Every time I remind my wife that I have an appointment, she gets irritated and wonders "how much longer are you going to be seeing these doctors for?". When I suggested that I join a bipolar support group, she was outright opposed to it, saying "Don't you spend enough time talking about that with your therapist?" I've asked her to attend my doctor or therapy appointments with me so she can get a sense of what I'm going through, but she has steadfastly refused. Even asking her to read a book on the disease generates a response of "I don't need to read that, don't you have enough books on that?"

Earlier this week I told her I was entering another depressive episode and that I really thought we needed marriage counseling. She was shocked and upset by this and when I asked her if she thought it might be helpful, she said "I don't want to go, but I will go if you want to." Since then, she's back-pedaled on that, stating later in the week that she really didn't think it would help and that we should work on our issues alone.

The kicker to all of this is that I have begun to fall in love with one of my female friends who has been supportive of me throughout this time, though I know she doesn't feel the same way about me. Part of me still loves my wife, but another part of me is almost revolted by her - I've lost all desire to be intimate with her and at times really don't even want to even be touched by her. We've talked about starting a family, but I am in no position to really deal with the stress of that now and I think she resents me for that, telling me to "man up". Now the idea of starting any sort of family with her just makes me uneasy, at best.

This whole thing has been a nightmare. She says she loves me, but I just don't think she's capable of or willing to provide me with the support I need, I think her family has drained it from her. I know we vowed "In Sickness and In Health", but I'll be the first to admit that living with a bipolar can be a test.

This whole thing, between the disease, the feelings for my friend, and the feelings for my wife, has worstened my depression tremendously. I drafted my suicide notes on Monday night and got all the materials I needed on Tuesday and Wednesday. I've decided to hold off on doing anything for the moment and wait for my next depressive episode before applying the "till death do us part" clause and finally ending it all.

I really don't know what else to do. Part of me still loves her and she really is a wonderful person, but another part of me clearly does not love her anymore. I think leaving her (either by divorce or death) will devistate her, but I can't go on like this and I really don't care about the argument of the morality of suicide - I've just had it and want it all to end.

Between the disease and my marriage, I feel like I'm trapped in my own personal hell and I don't see any way out. I'm just so tired of it all, I just want it all to end.