For me T's kindness felt scary because it reawakened all my desires that To survive growing up I had to suppress, it also was about trying to get the outside to fit the inside. I wanted all the self hatred to be outside of me and have T hate me so I could be free of it inside. I think there's also a case of wanting what is familiar. Having to keep turning up to therapy and feeling those old desires reawakened has been the hardest for me. Its like I have no skin and kindness was like an acid because I'd had to grow immune to unkindness that I had no way to defend against its oppersiten which of course normally shouldn't have to be defended against, but if people have expereinced abuse from those who were supposed to be the safest person then it makes sense our emotional thermostats will be out of skilter. We turn it low when near toxic people and turn it up high when we safe people. Totally needs resetting.