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Last night after crying for about an hour I messaged Mum saying I wanted to go home, no reply. Then I managed to stop crying about an hour later and messaged her again saying sorry for sending the last message (because I know it upsets her), no reply. Then I got maybe 2 hours sleep which was entirely nightmares about funerals. When Mum still hadn’t replied at 9am I messaged her again asking if she was mad at me. She called a while later and said that she wasn’t mad at me. I begged her to go home, she said I couldn’t. I promised to try harder and stay out of hospital and she still said no. I couldn’t stop crying and I just kept begging her and she refused, not until i’m well she said, I have to finish the DBT first, thats 12months! I don’t want to wait 12months! I want to go home now. I’m so tempted to just pack a bag, get my cat and get on a plane and go home, I have the money and I still have my key to get into Mum’s, I could do it, it’s not a long flight and it’s not like she could really force me to come back up here right?
I called the crisis team today and told them I was coming off my meds with or without their help they told me that they were against me coming off them and that they wouldn’t help and not to do it. But they can get ****ed, I’ve started reducing the dose already I should be off it in 2-3weeks. It’s going to be really hard with the withdrawals but also because S said that I had to remain stable the entire time or else I have to go back to the maximum dose which is what i’m meant to be on, and that means so no ODing and not cutting at all, the ODing I can probably manage but i’m not so sure about the cutting, it’s been about a week now and i’m really tempted, I just want that release.
Maybe I should just run away, go somewhere myself somewhere where no one knows me, just me and my cat, not tell anyone, leave my phone and everything here so no one can find me. It makes sense, I can’t go home and I don’t want to be here, I may as well just go somewhere new… Then I could do whatever I wanted with my meds and I could cut and no one would tell me not to.. I don’t know, it just makes sense.
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