Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmamma
For me T's kindness felt scary because it reawakened all my desires that To survive growing up I had to suppress, it also was about trying to get the outside to fit the inside. I wanted all the self hatred to be outside of me and have T hate me so I could be free of it inside. I think there's also a case of wanting what is familiar. Having to keep turning up to therapy and feeling those old desires reawakened has been the hardest for me. Its like I have no skin and kindness was like an acid because I'd had to grow immune to unkindness that I had no way to defend against its oppersiten which of course normally shouldn't have to be defended against, but if people have expereinced abuse from those who were supposed to be the safest person then it makes sense our emotional thermostats will be out of skilter. We turn it low when near toxic people and turn it up high when we safe people. Totally needs resetting.
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This is really hard to find a "work around". If you keep going to therapy then, damn them, your therapist is going to be there. Waiting.
I used to dream that my therapist was a snake - boy that dream was a solid month of therapy right there.
In the end, your therapist will "win" if you let them. You will allow a tiny bit of connection and hope in. Then, if you are anything like I was, you will shut it down completely and run, become wildly defensive, angry.
Then, a moment of connection will happen again, and you will be slightly less apt to run.
Then, guess what! it will happen again and again and again.
The walls have to weakened from within and without, but they can and will come down if you let them.
You just gotta keep going, and gotta keep trying. It's worth it.