I am having a REALLY lousy week, and the week isn't even over yet!

I'm sick of stress. I'm sick of feeling depressed. And I am SICK of the constant never-ending thoughts to cut. I am so tempted to do it ... I don't enjoy it but if it makes me feel better even temporarily...

No, I guess you could say I'm not in the best frames of mind.

I was told by my ex-counsellor (shes graduating, my last session was supposed to be TWO weeks ago now) that if I wanted to SI this weekend (have thoughts to do it) that I'm supposed to call a crisis line.

Yeah right. I couldn't get up the nerve to do it when I was feeling lousy to the point where I wished I was dead (I phoned in 3 times, and hung up every single time).

I've tried the coping mechanisms. They aren't working. I want pain. I want to bleed. I want a REASON for feeling lousy. I think Christina is finally losing her marbles (speaking of myself in 3rd person, nice).

I don't know what I'm even doing posting this. Nobody can stop me, I have to do it myself. I just don't know if I've got the energy to stop me. Must stay here emotionally, keeping myself in the moment. Blanking out is always when it happens.



I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, I just am.