Kureha, the reason you're confused is the fear. I've been talking to you for a long time - almost a year - and I've said from day one that you have to master the fear. Once the fear is under control, you'll feel less confused.

Remember my story about almost shooting my sister? Can you imagine my mind at that moment? I was terrified. And because I was terrified it seemed like a really good idea to fire a shotgun at a closed door without even knowing who was on the other side. It seemed like my only option in that moment. It wasn't my only option. At the very least I should have called out, "Who's there?" or "I have a gun." It was the cloud of fear that fogged my brain.

You also are enveloped in a fog of fear right now, except for you it's lasted months instead of only a few seconds. I've kept hoping you could kind of get on top of the fear using some relaxation techniques, but it seems like it's too big. That's why I think the medication might be a useful tool to help you get your feet under you again.

Please give them sufficient time to work. I don't know how long is required, but it's going to be a while. It seems like in the past you've gone for a few days at a time and then stopped. I just know from watching my son do that same thing that that will make it worse. Can you ask your mom or someone else you trust to remind you each time it's time to take the med and remind you again that you've promised yourself you'll give it at least a month this time?