I have been avoiding this area for a long time. I didn't want to admit to myself that I have these thoughts and that I have secretly done so in the past. I was too ashamed. Last week was very difficult and I was having SI thoughts several times a day. So, I had to admit it to my psychologist. He said it is real eventhough I don't want it to be real and it's something we need to deal with.

I've been hiding in DD because DID is my major problem from years of child abuse. Last week, I was having several thoughts throughout the day of SI and it scares me. Why did it come back? Why do those thoughts exist? It's all confusing and scary.

I finally admitted that I did as a teen, maybe as a child, and then as a young adult. No one has ever known. It scares me to put this here because I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. But, I want to get better and if this is what I have to do, then so be it.

Did I ask a question or was this my statement of admission? T says saying it makes it real and it's time that I made it real because it is real. So, I said it.

But now what? I'm babbling, I know. I'm just scared and a little lost and you people don't even know me (some do from DD). Ugh!

Thanks for listening,
Songbird