Right now I feel safe. Which is why I am so hesitant to go to the hospital. Most days I wake up feeling incredibly anxious and depressed and I can't focus to do anything. Maybe I just felt better today because I am around my family? I don't have insurance, so my doctor is not available for me to that extent. The earliest she could get me in is on this upcoming wednesday morning. Another reason I don't want to go into the hospital is because of the fact that I don't have insurance. I assume it is really expensive to be hospitalized. I've never been hospitalized before. Yesterday I thought about how nice it would be if I dissapeared and liked the idea harming myself. I didn't put any plans together or anything like that. I have fleeting suicidal ideation and it comes and goes in waves.