****triggering/depressing****


I've thought about this too, but then mortality is often on my mind, especially since my grandparents died (a few months apart) just a few short years ago. Just this week someone my mum knows(/knew?) died suddenly, for no real reason anyone could see or predict. She was a similar age to my T, and to my parents. It just reminded me how fragile life is, how not everyone is guaranteed to make it into their 80s/90s. My T always seems very healthy and vibrant... but when she sat next to me the other week and was sort of bent over a table in front of us filling in some paperwork, I was just sort of looking at the top/back of her head, and I just thought how small she looked. Fragile like a bird. My grandma always looked small. My grandad always seemed like a strong, looming figure, until he had a stroke, but when I saw him in the hospital bed he suddenly seemed small too. My parents seem quite small to me now... maybe it's just because I've grown up, maybe it's because they don't look quite as robust as they used to. When I was a little girl, the responsible adults in my life seemed so big and strong. Now, they don't.

I'm sad to know that some of my teachers from school have already passed away. I wonder how some of the others are, and I have visions of some of those once capable disciplinarians, maybe sat in nursing homes, all small and frail... maybe with dementia and other illnesses, stripping them of who they once were.

I wouldn't say I actively worry about this, but yeah, it has obviously crossed my mind. I don't know how long I will stay in therapy for, how long my T will want to treat me, or how long she'll practice (some people retire early! She has a nice house!) I can't imagine saying goodbye willingly. It's totally morbid but I do wonder how old I'll get to see her grow...

Geez. It's a good thing I'm in therapy, right?