I have always just went on assuming that I was straight and I enjoyed thoughts of being with a man (not just physically but romantically, too). Although, at the beginning of summer, a girl called me a lesbian (we were fighting over Facebook and she called me a lesbian because, well, I might've called her one first...) and since then I have been worrying non-stop, every single day, that I really am a lesbian in denial. I kept on thinking during the summer that when school started up again, I'd forget this whole thing when I saw all the cute boys. I honestly think that would've happened but school started two weeks too late and I had gotten so much worse in that small amount of time.
Anyways, I started watching anime again tonight since I haven't in a long time. I'm really regretting it now though because I think I've been subconsciously having thoughts about girls while watching the show. For instance, if the guy picks up the girl, I'll subconsciously be thinking that I'm picking up the girl and kissing her or something. And now I'm really scared because at the time I don't think I was bothered by it. If I see a pretty character that has long hair (I cut my hair awhile ago and even though it has grown a lot I still really miss my long hair) I'll kind of pose them as my idol. But what if it's not really the inspiration to be like them- what if I actually just find them attractive? What if my heterosexuality from when I was younger was just influenced? What if the thoughts I had of liking boys are just fuzzy memories that never happened? What if I did something with a girl when I was younger that I just can't remember?

I heard that lesbians usually have early signs. I heard that scientists stated that they prefer boyish activities when they are young. I had a lots of toys and loved all my stuffed animals and I even had a ballerina dress that I never wanted to take off. That makes me feel a little more straight. But then I remembered that when one of my battery-operated toys, I would insist on using the screwdriver myself because it was fun to twirl it around. I had a big brother who I played a lot with when I was younger and I always liked watching him play video games. Is that too boyish? Ever since I was little I had always thought that my voice was deeper than it should be. Everyone says that it's not, though. But I started to purposely heighten my voice when I talked because I was so upset over it.

I want more than anything to be heterosexual. I knew what lesbians and gays were at an early age and it never occurred to me that I'd turn out to be one. I never thought that this would happen to me. I can't tell you that "I want to find out once and for all if I'm gay or straight" because that would be a lie. I don't want to find out I'm gay. I don't want to accept something like that and I won't. I just want to realize that I'm heterosexual. I have a problem where I listen to what other people tell me and automatically take it as fact. Unless it's someone I know well. If a family member called me a "dyke" (I've been called that by my brother) than I just get mad at him. But I've never taken it seriously because.. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I know him well? Or his opinion doesn't matter to me?

I want your opinions, please! Do you think I'm in denial? Do I just overreact? Do I sound straight in your opinion? My last thread has the entire story (introduction post) in case that matters at all.