Thanks for replying to my post... I don't want to say too much because I don't want to be triggering to anyone who may read this and it really doesn't matter what the comments are it is how I react to them.... but people have commented (intensely) that I have lost some weight.... I am frustrated because I don't know if I have or haven't because I haven't seen my weight in a few years...

The only people who know this information for sure are my therapist and dietitian and it is going to be up to them to tell me what they think they should ... I hate that my view of myself is so distorted and I hate that I am so focused on this because normally I can brush them off ....

If I have lost weight I should be reacting towards recovery because that would be a sign that after minimizing behaviors and giving my body consistent nutrition it is normalizing to its set point and beginning to trust me for once... this should make me rationally trust in the process of recovery more because I have never had trust in my body or rational thoughts about its ability to function... or at the very least be able to say to myself that I am acting in recovery and getting what people think are "compliments" which should motivate me towards recovery...

Instead I am compromising with the eating disorder which I know doesn't make sense and I don't want to but in the moment I side with it which leads to longer spans and the more I compromise the more bad doors that is going to open... I don't want to go down that path but I find myself starting to which scares me a lot....

I think the fact that I can't tell when I look at myself really pisses me off... I am a pretty analytical person so I really want to know facts... I see my dietitian in a few days so we will see how much she will say but it is up to her to share what she thinks is helpful for me (which is also very frustrating right now because I don't have the control of that)......

I know what I should think rationally and how I should react rationally... but for some reason the eating disorder is gaining a bit of traction even though I know that is the totally opposite direction I want to go and last thing I want to have happen....