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DespondentDaisy · 11:47 PM

Ok, for the most part, I'm ok, but my job really sucks. It's tiring, degrading, beneath my skill and intelligent level- I wish I could find something better and find another neighborhood to move to but things are so expensive apparently I shouldn’t even bother looking. (Though I'm still going to start looking again anyway) My mom tells me not to go about it 'willy-nilly' like I'm going to take anything that goes my way. What I really need to do is wait until spring to take a writing course at the local U to get a writing AA or something- that's always been my passion- I'm in the wrong field. Besides all I said about it already, it's a job for someone more outgoing and that's totally not me. That's probably why it wears me out. I try to be the perfect employee and really I can't keep it up, emotionally, and now I am starting to weird people out - That and the *****es and assholes that look down their noses at me like they're better than me really get to me (I’ve always dealt with self esteem issues- another thing that I loved about weed, it helped boost my confidence) I could have their jobs, most of them, if I only had the chance. I have a higher than average I.Q., but that doesn't say ish about my people skills. Dammit!
> Ever since I quit smoking weed 6 months ago, sure my thoughts have been clearer and I've had more focus, but I've also felt less happy emotionally- I've been brought back to reality of how much my life sucks and that I'm solely responsible for where I've ended up- despite toxic friends misguiding me- I could have stayed in touch with my other more truer friends, I could've stayed on track, not let my life become so miserable. Sometimes I think I should be institutionalized or kill myself, but that would be devastating for my family, especially my mom. I try and tough it out, for granted I do have good times- everyday. But at the end of the day, I feel ******, and there are enough times during the day I feel ****** too and I feel like I'll never really get anywhere. I don't know, I think perhaps I should talk to my doc about increasing my dose of prozac from 10 milligrams to 20? I don't know.