Sounds all pretty familiar... I am with my T 2,5 months now and that was just one up and down and struggle. Feeling angry, feeling sad and afraid. Wishing he would go away while desperately hoping he wouldn't... and in the next moment closing up again and pushing him away. It even got to the point that I was convinced he had said to me that I am not allowed to mail him and that I am hopeless. I was so afraid that session that I was dissociating not remembering what he said anymore and left with those negative thoughts.
I had asked him for an extra appointment... because I was really doing so bad I could not stay that way for a week... but at the same moment expecting that he would say no. When he said yes I thought he saw it as a chance to finally tell me I should go away.
What happened was that he told me what had happened last session. And that none of that was said what I thought it was.
He was able to remember everything in detail and explain it to me in a way that it really got to me. He went on in telling me some other things about our relationship and sais it all with such a sincerity that it really got through to me.
It confused me, it made me happy while at the same time frightened. But I DID feel connected in that moment and I do have the feeling now that something from that has stuck with me. That I am able to trust him now somewhat...
It wouldn't surprise me if my feelings of being scared or angry will return sometime again but I am sure now he will be able to handle it... and that he will not give up on me that easily... which is all kinda new to me.