I just need to vent some of the things I am thinking and feeling out into the world and maybe I can deal with them better. I figured this forum may be the best place to do so as I don't feel as alone here. Lately I've been feeling like I am my own puppeteer, like I’m controlling myself from the outside while seeing through my own eyes. I look around my room, at the disarray, and I see ruins. The place I grew up in and that has seen the best and worst of it, no longer feels like my room. I hate being awake, every time I wake up I just want to go back to sleep and when I can no longer sleep I begrudgingly get up and go about the pattern I’ve been in since Thurs morning. Today I retained the feeling I had in my dream for much longer than usual, and was slightly more in a zombie like state which I liked and most likely has something to do with the 25mg of Quetiapine I started taking before going to sleep (can't exactly say before going to bed as I rarely leave it). Now I just want to go back to sleep for lack of a better option, really I just want to stop existing but am unwilling to do anything to make that happen as I don’t want to hurt anyone. I haven’t seen or really spoken to anyone since Wed night, and I still really don’t want to. When I get food I do it when everyone is asleep or gone, and then I do it fast. Wed I have the appointment with the mental health counselor and Thurs I start the new medication which I am hoping will also have the zombifying effects I need right now. The days take so long to end it seems, and it’s always the same, but I have no interest in changing it. I feel guilty and ashamed at my behaviour and the lack of attention I am giving the things I love/d, I am also still irritable, getting really f'ing annoyed when I type something wrong and the stupid f'ing thing doesn’t get what I am trying to say and just underlines it in red. I want to snap and am afraid I will and again end up hurting someone I care about. You know how sometimes people want something so bad it almost hurts, like being with a certain person, or getting a certain job, or having a child, or getting into a certain program, or win the lottery? Well that’s how much I wish I wasn’t here, or anywhere, just gone as if I never existed at all so there is no pain for anyone else. It isn’t anyone else’s fault I’m like this and no one else should suffer because of me. As much as I love my niece and nephew and the niece or nephew yet to be born, I hate that they have me as their closest aunt or as their aunt at all. I am not someone I would want my children to be around, or any other children I cared about, I am a bad influence and I don’t want them to see how bad life can be for some people or that such a failure can be in the same family and gene pool. I didn’t go to my dad’s birthday dinner at the restaurant, and I missed the kids’ joint birthday party on the weekend as well. I’m getting worse and I am still aware enough to know it. I don't know how much longer I can stand to be like this, I hope I can get an appointment soon with the psychiatrist my doctor recommended and then I hope that she'll be able to help. I'm really not holding my breathe on that though, I can't really see anything helping, but I'm going to give it this last ditch effort. Is it even really possible to come out of this?