I don't know about you, Wikidpissah, but sometimes we just have to let go and talk about the hating in all it's ugly rawness and/or disgusting gory detail. I know for myself that I often hold back, hiding my hatred and/or anger deep inside my heart. I hide it by talking to my T about how good she is and how accepting she is and how unable I am to make good use of her therapuetic skills . .. nothing like an outright attempt at flattery to try, usually unsuccessfuly, to put someone off the track. . . . Unfortunatley, I then go home and rage at myself, taking out the anger and aggressive anger on myself. . . jeesh, if people could only see me talking and pacing around the house as I rage at myself LOL No one gets to see that part of myself. . .. how sad that I have to hide away the rage and sadness. If I could only talk about it.

I don't want to project my own issues on your but is it possible that you aren't able to really really let your T see you for who you are because you're afraid of his/her reaction to the hatred and aggression that simmers just below the surface? I'm not saying letting anyone see that anger and hatred is easy . .. heck, I hide out all the time, running away or scuttling away like a bug from a squirt of Raid whenever there's a sign of help or self-examination. I hope you're able to find the right balance because I can hear the suffering and sadness in your writing . . . or maybe that's projection on my part again Take care!