Quote:
Originally Posted by RecycledMind
I have trouble feeling sincere, I lack of empathy and remorse, I have felt this way for years. I am unable to feel real compassion for others, and though I have tons of friends and a great family that loves and supports me, I can't help but feel that I will never be enough for them, or them for me. It's like being disconnected from them. You can "care" for someone's wellbeing. But loving them? Wanting to be around them? I would rather be a spectator than a real part of their lives. Once, I wrote about my family in a journal and summarized my feelings into a single quote:
"They grovel at me feet like puppies, begging for my attention and love. But don't they know? I think to myself, as yet another frantic paw is crushed under my boot, I hate dogs."
It seems cruel... but it is honest. They are drawn to me because of the mask I have created for them to use, and they long to be a part of my life while I would rather remain detached, I only pretend to care when I want something from them. Is this wrong of me? How can I learn to care for someone when I have never cried for anyone, never gotten "chills" when watching a sad movie?
Last year we studied the Holocaust. Others in my class were aghast and disgusted. I was not moved, now I know right from wrong and that the Nazi's did terrible and horrible things... but ever since I was little I have been immune to gory movies, and oddly fascinated. I do not feel very much at all, but I can manipulate emotions out of others. I am not cruel and not mean or angry. I am always placid inside while I act outgoing and fit right in with everyone else. Still- I WANT to love people and care about other people. I just don't know what it feels like. I lack empathy. When I judge someone they are either strong or weak. Worthy or Unworthy.
I personally am overprivileged, fortunate, yet completely wretched and unworthy. Why do people still look to me as a leader? How can I have no motivation, and not try hard at all, yet still be top of my Honors classes? Why do I have to over-analzye every detail of people's lives and why do I have such a natural ability to manipulate others?
Advice please?
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Maybe part of its that you have a lot of decent people around you, you've never been let down, so its hard to be greatful. Like really worry about them like they are the only 1s tying you down.
Maybe you should go live in a different country, where you know no one. You don't know the language and customs, or culture. I mean some place like russia. Try to fit in and see if your emotions come back, if you start to miss people. If you start to feel anything, though its a sign you should stay longer. I mean be an expatriate for a decade. Just see what happens.