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Thank you for your reply always! It thankfully isn't anything constant. If it were I wouldn't be on here right now. When I feel that way, I'm not sure what brings it on but it only lasts for about 5 minutes. It comes and goes. Some days it happens a few times and other times I can go a few days without it happening. It seems like it comes out of no where and all of a sudden a switch turns off. I feel really confused and don't know why. Then I start to question who I am. I start to feel like I'm someone else. But at the same time I can still feel a little part of me. It's so hard explaining feelings. I start to feel like my life just started at that very second sometimes as well. It's strange, ever since I can remember when I was a child I always had this thought.
I thought that at any point time could start, it hasn't started yet or it could have just started 2 seconds ago and every memory we have were just memories put there to make you think you had a life before that second. It's confusing I'm sure but somehow it made sense to me. And when I get this strange feeling that I'm losing myself, that I'm about to be gone forever, that childhood thought runs across my mind. It somehow makes it worse feeding into it making me think "well no wonder you can't feel connections with these people, they are false memories. none of your memories are real". Am I crazy? I feel like it!!!!! It's like a war in my head with a million purple flying monkeys all trying to take me over. If that's the right way to explain it... I'm starting to get confused again. During these times I will look at my mom. I will know she's supposed to be my mom. But I feel like I have never spoken a word to her. There is a slight very faded and cloudy memory of her hidden in the back but it's so far away I can't see it. I'm very close to my mom and go see her all the time. But during these times, I couldn't tell you one thing about her and I couldn't tell you one conversation she and I ever had. She just feels like a stranger.
If it were constant I would probably be homeless and completely coocoo. I'm so thankful it isn't this way. When I feel that way, I know the proper way to behave in society and what people expect from me so to hide the feeling I just am robotic and it just looks like you're watching a terrible actor in their own life.
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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