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((((DPS)))) thank you so much for your reply! Every word struck home with me. As I said above, I really value your opinion and your kind words and I thank you so much! The posts already have helped me so much!
"I feel myself spinning often as if I am slipping away into myself and cannot stop this spinning. Downward into a deep hole somewhere and it has no bottom and it is dark. It feels like I am trying to hold onto something--a child, me perhaps--but they are slipping away from my graps."
Those words hit me the most. The only way I can explain to my boyfriend how I feel is that I feel like I'm loosing myself to myself, that I'm falling into a deep hole in my own mind and at some point I don't know if I will be able to get out. I can't see down there and it seems like there is no end, I will just keep slipping further and further into myself until I'm gone completely from this world. I fight and fight and fight, I'm trying to hold on and I'm trying to keep me but I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to hold onto. I haven't told him this but I really don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I need to hold on to. I don't know how to hold on, I don't know how to fight back, I don't know how to stay here and not slip into the hole. So for now I continue to try the only grounding skill I know... It seems to work for now...
It would make it a lot easier if I knew what I was holding onto. If I knew what was slipping away. But I don't know. I feel like I'm losing myself. It's so hard to explain and so hard for anyone else to understand. They've asked me "how do you lose yourself?" And it's so hard to explain. But it can be done. I just need to know what it really is that I'm losing I guess, or that I feel I'm losing.
It's so natural for me, all these insane things that happen in this small brain of mine. But I've been dealing with it my entire life, to one degree or another. It's strange to think that most people would be completely confused and completely un-understanding.
That's why it's nice to read that someone whom I can respect and someone who is so genuine intelligent and kind can relate to me. When no one else in this world can, it's comforting to know all of you and the others on pc can! Thank you again!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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