This is a trigger warning because I'm going to discuss medical testing for bre@st cancer. I can't tell the story without it.





Last Friday at my session, I was all neurotic and triggery about having to have a biopsy on a "suspicious mass" in my bre@st on MOnday (yesterday). I'd had a routine mammogram and then was called back for an ultrasound where they determined it wasn't a cyst but a solid mass and it needed to be evaluated with a core biopsy. This procedure isn't nearly as invasive as an incisional (surgical) biopsy. I was all weirded out because of the procedure itself, I don't do well with medical and dental procedures in general. And the nature of the procedure, especially the idea of a male doc doing it, was just a symbolic reminder to me. Especially because they insert a tiny little chip into the spot to "mark" it for future reference.

My T reminded me that I could call him if I needed. He's told me a time or two before but I've never called him, never emailed (he does have an email on his card but I've never used it). He said that the receptionist "always knows how to reach him" and that he calls most people back 5 minutes after they call. Then he gave me his cell phone so I could reach him after hours, but he seemed to instruct me to call him at the office if it was during working hours. I teased him on the way out because he told me that I could call him for any reason anytime, and he said it three separate times. "I got it, you said it 3 times, I heard you." I was kind of annoyed. He responded by saying goodbye 3 times. Ha ha.

So I called his office yesterday a few hours before my procedure. I *really* just wanted to just connect with him for reassurance, like have a 5 minute conversation. The receptionist said she would give him the message and he would call me between sessions. I thought that was strange because he only works Wed-Fri, but she said "today", so I figured she knew his schedule better than I did.

The rest of the story: he didn't call. He still hasn't called, and it's been 24 hours later. I am 99.9% sure she didn't give him the message. She has messed up 2 or 3 of my appointments before (now, T always schedules me himself). And I realize that I could and should have called him directly on his cell phone, in hindsight, I wish i had, but at the time i was trusting that he'd call back when he could. Like most people, i assumed even if he was at home, he might have blocks of time where he'd be unavailable.

I am pretty sad about it. I really wish I had been able to reach him. The procedure went as well as could be expected, and I must have some good karma that came my way because I got the only woman radiologist who was a super sweet, connected person. I couldn't believe how comfortable she and her staff made me. I don't really need to talk to him now, maybe I"ll want to before Fri if the results come back as bad news. I feel dissed and ignored, especially because "most people" get called back within five minutes. I want to call him up just to ****** about his receptionist, but that seems petty and mean. I don't really need anything from him right now, I should just get over it, what the heck is my problem, I feel like a giant baby and then I feel bad for judging my own reaction. Whatever.

Thanks if you read this far. I'm feeling super sorry for myself.

Anne