Ok...umm...stuff has been coming up about old traumas...and finally wrote T long email and asked really hard questions about like trauma stuff...he's a sex addictions therapist and I figured if anyone could answer some of these questions..he could. We never talk about s.e.x. in session...would totally blow me out of the water. He was really cool about it and wrote very caring long replies. Worked really hard on it and sent him final set of questions and responses that were pretty dark. He could not reply and left message last night saying as much and changing my appt until 3pm today! Thus, it looks like we are going to have to finish dealing with IT "in session" this afternoon... like no way this is happening to me...

I'm totally freaked out. Can NOT stand to see the look in his eyes either pity or disgust about this stuff. Can NOT say those words out loud. I would rather have my fingernails pulled off than talk about this... I don't even REMEMBER the safe word it's been so long since I have even needed it! Yes, I know NOW that he is that kind of T and deals with people who have these kinds of problems and more the kind of people who do those kinds of things... I hoped, thought, and prayed we'd get it all dealt with by email...Feel like I'm about to explode with anxiety, fear and shame...The nightmares have multiplied and I woke up this morning in tears...

My horoscope this morning actually said:
You're not quite ready to let the truth be known, but it seems to be emerging nonetheless. What should you do about it? Be sure you're ready for the questions -- not if, but when they arrive.

...I'm in full blown panic mode...need armour..pocket riders, binkies, drugs, blankets, angels, fairies, big dogs, a few lions, celtic knots, chocolate, more drugs, a viking, and probably a straight jacket to get me in there... please..anybody got any suggestions here...I can't believe I'm supposed to drive there myself and actually WALK down that hall to his office...ugh.

WB