maybe kinda.... or extremelly? triggering....

I didn't even know if to start this thread, but it has been on my mind for some time............







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I am kinda morbid person, I think. I am extremelly obsessed with my mortality and mortality of those I care for. The thing is while I care muchly for my loved ones... I don't seem to care for myself on the same level. I don't care if I am gonna live. I don't want to die, at least not at this moment and life is good, I am even making plans for the future.... but at the same time... I don't care. If i am gone tomorrow, it is a big "so what" to me. I only worry how my friends and family would react.

Had plans in past for "bailing out gracefully". Not gonna go much further... but I never made the step... I always had one more thing to attend, one more thing I wanted to live to.... But what if this self-preservation is not infinite? What if my self-destructive mechanism (which I believe all humans have) was activated and I am a ticking bomb now?
Again, I am safe right now. I am working on my diploma thesis and thinking long term....

I have the thoughs... like always. I may be perfectly happy, but i still stand on a bridge and think "what if I just leaped?". It comes out of nowhere... and it leaves just as quickly as it came.... I wake up and everything is wrong, world is broken, life has not sense.... Next day everything is fine... with just mild feeling of... something off. I guess it takes time to recover?

It doesn't always have a reason... after all self-destruction is irrational.


Just wondering how you are dealing with this kind of irrationality... and your views.

sorry for the morbid nature of this thread.