Yes I deal with those thoughts too. They are very irrational. My theory is I have "been there done that". I have made attempts in my life. I kinda feel like I'm done going that route. When the thoughts like that come I know they will go away and I'll go back to that "off" feeling, but I'll be ok. Weird but I think about my animals dying a lot, not people. You already know its not rational and you have hope for a future, that's really good. Hope this passes soon. take care.