I take it you are talking about Must-Make-Sense (MMS)!?

My mother died when I was 3, was sick all my life (from 2 years before I was born) and I don't remember her. I get that if you don't remember you might feel "rootless" in your own life and want it, and things now, to make sense.

Do you have any aunts or other relatives who can tell you what you were like when you were little? I had an aunt that told stories of me, wrote me letters, and that helped me enormously (I could "sense" myself in the stories; they "felt" like me).

One thing, scary for me, is that the emotional has few/no words. My mother had a brain tumor and after her operation, was often not able to make sense; my aunt says she'd ask for an "elephant" when she wanted her "comb" for example. For a long time other people's errors in speaking/writing would make me very anxious and my T and I finally figured out that if you don't make sense, you die. I was trying, with my two year old self who had few words, to make sure people didn't die in my adult world as coping was not fun?

Over time, my T and I were able to give me an emotional vocabulary; my feelings matched up and made sense. Do you remember those children's mix-and-match books that had three horizontal sections and you could put a different head, with different body, with different feet? All this struggling we do with attachment to T and "sitting with" it not making sense but going forward with it and pitting it against other relationships we have or have had, is like a child learning to work that book and match up the three correctly but also be comfortable with the various miss-matches because they know what the "correct" (relationship with T) match feels like and they can go back to it easily instead of being lost in the jumble of miss-matches, not knowing what they're looking for.