ok...it's over...and it went pretty well.

He asked me at first if I wanted to talk about the emails or have him write it out later...I was sorely tempted..but I said I wanted to try some..so we did. We made it through most of the email of questions and stuff! It was very hard, and I swear there were moments I could feel the lioness or thought of the s'mores and just bore down and kept going. It actually worked! It was raw and ugly and no I couldn't look at him much..and hid behind my hair..but I took off my shoes and stayed grounded and wanted help so badly that it worked. He talked very softly and said he never wanted me to feel sorry the perps...I had misunderstood. He was super gentle and kind and straightforward and never made me feel shame really.

But he did help me understand a LOT about why I've been doing things the way I have and why I react to things like I do. He wants to do some EMDR work on some of it when I'm ready...and helped me to try and make some connections that I didn't understand. Yes, I cried...but it was ok. He showed me how alone I've been with it...and how I need help with some of it. That was probably the hardest part...realizing that I can never fix it by myself. I have to have some help both to create safety and to help heal. That is why things have gotten so much worse instead of better. That hurt. I said things that were kind of ugly and he never shirked from me and he even got angry on my behalf. He asked me if that scared me and I said no that I felt protected...I don't have that anger and he doesn't understand that.

So you guys all did great and I am so very grateful for all of your support and courage today. I said something about pocket riders and lions and tigers and dogs and fairies on the way out and he gave me the very strangest look...I think at that point he was just honestly afraid to ask!! LOL!! I even asked for a got a wonderful and gentle hug goodbye. Yumm. I feel like I could sleep for weeks...goodness.

Thank you all!!
Huggles,
Wysteria Blue

PS. For those of you aware of the DBT stuff...he gave me the news that I also will no longer be seeing the DBT T any more. He talked to him again today, and it has been decided that for now I will only go to the group. T "heard" me and after talking to him decided this was for the best for now. YEAH!!!