I have thoughts like those too. I never was interested in living much past 30 years old, and really never thought that I would. It was around the time I was 30 or a little past, that I got so miserable and was intensely suicidal several times, with increasing frequency over a few years. I got close a few times, but never actually attempted anything that could have been fatal. There was once that I was a puddle on the floor for pretty much a whole day, and all I was thinking about was getting something from the cupboard, just a couple of feet away from me, and taking action (but didn't have the energy to get up off the floor). I visualized it, and it felt so real that I was staring death in the face and wasn't scared at all. I kept on going, and visualized my children finding me and not knowing what to do or having anyone to help them figure out what to do. And I knew that I didn't want to put them through that.

There was always something that I couldn't quite work out - how to do it without hurting someone who didn't deserve it in the process - how to make it look accidental and be convincing, etc. I still have those thoughts, and I don't know if they will ever be gone. That one time it was so real that part of me was convinced that I really did it and was really dead. I'm still not afraid of death, but I'm not going to do anything to make it happen.

Interestingly, when I started to have all those thoughts and to buy into them to that extent was when I started to be able to see how miserable I was, and when I started to make changes like going back to school and back to work, that led to changing my life and getting in control. Maybe it's pathological, but maybe there is also something healthy behind it. Maybe those thoughts can carry seeds of change.