Thanks for replies, everybody. Very interesting and stimulating...
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I have those impulsive thoughts too. I also have random images pop into my head of violent scenes. My pdoc said these are not that uncommon for bipolars to experience. They don't know what does it for sure, but he thinks it's related to a brief "misfire" in the brain.
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That is interesting... still I wonder what causes these "misfires" besides our chemistry (because after all... all thoughts and feelings are in brain chemistry, but that is not all they are).
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I know its my depression talking. I feel even with good meds that I have a low-grade depression sort of like a fever..Not really all there but still rearing its ugly head.
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I think my baseline is bit lower than most people's. I am naturally depressed... but pretty much most my life, the mania's came later on. Around teens, perphaps? Started get intense by late teens, early 20s. I am not medicated... so... I can recognize real irrational thoughts... but the simply dark ones? Maybe that is just who am I.
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I don't like this aging garbage. I have been alone for seven years and thats way too long. I have a lot of arthritis and have a lot of pain and difficulty. Yes I definately think of leaving early but will I?..................... Probably not because I am a survivor, and I really basically like life in general. Life though is, and can be, super hard. I keep going though!
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I think we like the illusion of having control of how we go... we are aware of our mortality and we know we cannot do anything about that... so we at least want to go on our own terms. But the self-preservation instinct is superstrong for humans - even if we are quite self-destructive compared to animals.
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Or am I just depressed all the time? I don't know. Sometimes I think I accept so much as 'normal' because I don't know any better.
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I have a theory that you cannot fully recover from a depressive episode. It is a mild form of PTSD. It changes the way you think, stays with you... you cannot go back to being the person you were before (maybe it is not necessarily bad thing).
So it is hard to get over...
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And (to me, at least) I think several of Venus' ideas regarding the end of life are distinctly morbid for her age. Though I have to admit that the cultures of the area of the world Venus comes from seem traditionally rather more morbid than many other places. There was a reason Kafka was born and raised in Prague! Take good care, all! 
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Yeah, we are bit more morbid here in Europe. And as much as Prague has its dark side (after all it was Prague who made Kafka... if you read through his works, many of them are about Prague), it is nothing compared to Russia or the Balkans. Of course, guess what my favorite places are? I guess it comes to the "we can do all these things to ourselves... so why you think you can hurt us or break us?" thinking.
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Once I got clear on that one, I felt more secure about it not happening 'accidentally' either, i.e. due to extensive 'brain misfires', because there would be a part of my brain that wouldn't let me act on that intensified death-drive. In a way, I'm rewiring my brain (or trying to!) in how to respond to its own disordered signals as it were.
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that is great to be able to do it. I think it is possible. I am trying to strenghten my self-preservance. But I guess it is not possible to change altogether. Not sure if I even would want to... I mean, with my past... it is hard to go back.
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Wow Venus... Are you reading my mind? I hope the thoughts are not too distressing... XOXO
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I guess maybe our minds (as in human minds) are somehow interconnected...
Distressing... a bit, but I am used to it in a way. It is who I am.
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