In one of my visits with my therapist he told me that children who are sexually abused often complain about being abused/manipulated by other people in their lives as well. He told me that children that have been sexually abused never learn what normal children learn as far as identifying good people from bad people. And when he said that I was taken back because I was identifying people in my life that were abusive towards me.
So when I left him I thought about it even more, running through different people and what I saw in them, and my experiences, and I concluded that my identification of these people being negligent or abusive was correct, it had nothing to do with me imagining anything. But I also noticed that even though I saw it other people either ignored it or wouldn't believe it or had and excuse for it, or they saw things, told me that they were disturbed by it and yet they feared saying anything, or that they could change anything, or even that they just couldn't believe how this person they observed did bad things and yet had such a following or a position of control.

I did propose the question here and I think I had added too much of my issue along with the question because it kind of got lost. But at the time I was asking the question I was still thinking about my own experiences and I even felt a need to recheck my own oppinions or reactions to what I truely felt was negligence and abuse of some kind. And as I look back I am always left with a feeling of disbelief about both the abuser and how abusers get away with their behaviors. And the constant disturbance that continuously runs through my mind is a fear of not being believed or that I was not believed or that I was thought to be over-reacting, and I was always so surprised at how people seemed to need to protect the abuser/wrong doer etc.

One of the things that all victims of abuse share is a very strong sence and desire for justice. And all victims also have a very strong desire for truth beyond the average person. Many people find a certain amount of acceptability in various lies or deceptions. And this is everywhere and seems to revolve around power entities. I just recently saw two specials, one about Lobbyists and all the underhanded things they do to buy the politicians attentions and approval and support, it was amazing to learn of all the methods that were used that could be under the radar so to speak. And then I watched another special about how pretty much all the politicians take advantage of insider trading information and accumulate a lot of wealth by it. Now this has been taking place for a long time, they actually slipped in a law that protects them from being charged with any crime and ALL political parties participate in this secretive personal wealth building privilage. And the average person is stuck swimming in the aftermath, losing life savings in the blink of an eye while all these privilaged politicians get the opportunity to prosper or quiety remove their investments before companies, medicare, credit card companies, banks etc. fall apart and thier stocks either fall or if a bill is in the making will rise.

As far as myself is concerned, I have personally witnessed this strange phenominon and I am suffering very badly because of it. I underwent a colonoscopy in 2006 where my spleen was insured. I ended up in the emergency room, was rushed to a hospital that started a journey of me witnessing different doctors that would not concur that I was injured during my colonoscopy. Oh yes, I had an injury, I was put in a hospital in the ICU, thinking that at any moment I was going to be taken into surgery to remove my spleen. But no doctor came to see me, or explain to me what was really taking place, and the reason for this is that no one wanted to admitt that I was injured during a procedure that may produce a lawsuit. No doctor wanted to take any risk in making any statements that would support what had truely happened to me. After I was released from the hospital I got my records and even the disc showing my spleen injury of which I was not shown and it was not even explained to me, and I went to the doctors office of the doctor that performed the procedure. I was met by his partner who also would not concur that I was injured during my colonoscopy. This doctor stared me in my eyes and proceeded to explain that I must have been in a car accident and how a seatbelt can cause this damage, or that I must have fallen. And then he talked about how the doctor that performed my colonoscopy was a nice man etc. No matter what I said, this partner of the doctor would simply not go anywhere near discussing the fact that I was injured during my colonoscopy and would not go over the damage or view the discs with me to explain to me what the damage meant or what my limitations were. I left that office in such a state of disbelief, feeling so abused somehow, and I could bearly drive home because I could not stop crying in confusion, being denied, and feeling abandoned. So many doctors, professionals playing this awful mindgame of denial and abandonment, I still have trouble believing such a an experience like this is real, and I honestly wonder how people can allow this to take place, stare at me in my fear and confusion and ignore me and leave me hanging in fear, real fear and confusion, and pain. And I don't think I would believe this had I not experienced it, and I am still very disturbed by it, who do we trust?

It was not until I did a job and happened to meet a young doctor that told me that the Insurance Companies make doctors sign an agreement that they will not say any wordage like, I am sorry, a mistake happened etc. that can lead to any form of lawsuit. And this young doctor was upset because he felt it interfered with the oath of putting the patients needs first. I do want to mention that even though my own GP who referred me to this specialist did not want to see me, I made an appointment anyway. I went in to his office with my husband where he finally admitted to me why no one would talk about the damage caused by the colonoscopy due to the fear of being sued. Ofcourse my reply was outrage and that him and all the other doctors failed me as a patient and put me through a great deal of psychological duress because of their fears. He did agree, but he also told me that the system is no longer about the patient, it is more about the rules put out there by insurance companies that restrict doctors from truely being honest with patients when something like this occurs.

I bet your all thinking lawsuit right? Oh, no, not unless my spleen was perminantly damaged, there was nothing I could do about how I was treated during my ordeal, nice huh? Talk about feeling manipulated, abandoned abused and powerless, yes, I can raise my hand on that one.

I could bearly get over that when in 2007 my neighbor was going to be negligent and his electric underground containment system for his dog was going to fail and as a result at night while I slept I was going to lose so much that I had worked so hard for for years. I am again dealing with an insurance company that is taking full advantage of whatever time line is placed for them to not respond to this damage. I have a neighbor that admitted the faulty system, and that it had been that way for about 3 months but now, because he has spoken to the insurance company is lying. I have an attorney that is old and suffering from some kind of memory issues that is making mistakes and all his associates are covering for him, including all the attornies I have called to try to replace him and now for four years I am trapped with so much damage in more ways than I could possibly every imagine and now I have this disorder that is crippling me. I have gotten worse because again I feel powerless, trapped, frightened and I do see the writing on the walls. Do I want to fight back? Yes, but I truely do not know exactly how I am going to achieve my goal of justice and the means to recover my life. And do I have some suggestions as to what to do? Yes, some suggestions, and I am thinking this through, but at the same time I have been so crippled, so unbelievably crippled by the psychological damage that is real and very dibilitating that I am trying to find the mental capacity to act without suffering the debilitation of the reaction that occurs in my brain that I cannot seem to overcome. They are seeing changes in the brain of someone who suffers from PTSD, I can feel it getting worse, I wish I could have the technological evidence showing what is happening to my brain that is so real and frightening, but it is not quite there yet, almost.

What is being discussed here is a lot more than just a child that has been sexually abused by a powerful person. It is awful, and people should come forward, but people are not the way we think they SHOULD BE. I know it is hard to believe, but I have experienced it myself, it is truely awful, but REAL.
It is more about every man for himself now in this world. To me, it is unbelievable and if you are involved in it, I can tell you, it results in such a sense of powerlessness that it is crippling. It is as if people now see things and they don't speak up because they are afraid of getting caught up in what can be like big spider web that can trap someone for a very long time. People simply do not want to be part of someone elses issues, people want to ignore reality, pretend it doesn't exist, they mind their own business, protect their own little worlds now. And it is really hard to see the depths of it, the reality of it, it really is.

Open Eyes