So, I think that I may very literally be the worlds.slowest.learner....

I realized as I was sitting here that it was about a year ago that I first joined PC. I started posting a little bit and then stopped, but have kept reading. A year ago, when I came here it was because I was falling apart at the seams. Just.literally. falling apart. And, then I realized that I am back here, posting again because once again, I am falling apart. Somehow, in the midst of my becoming unglued, I become desperate for any kind of support and understanding that I can find, and I have landed here two years in a row. And, THEN I realized, HELLO?!?!?! I fall apart every year about this time....It begins in October and lasts through about January and it is bad bad BAD.

Yesterday when in T, I was telling him about this and about the way that each time I am here, in this place, it feels like the worst it has ever been. I question whether all my hard work has been for nothing. I question whether I have made any progress AT ALL. I turn to bad coping skills. I want to just sleep....AND, I push myself to reach out to try to find some sort of lifeline and connection that may help.

I don't know that there is a point, really, to this post....other than just to put it all into words. I think that it is often so interesting to recognize my patterns. My T tried to remind me that even though I always feel like it is the end of the world for these months, it DOES get better, and so it will, once again.

Right now though. It does not feel like things will ever get better. I feel discouraged, as if I have wasted a whole lot of time sitting on the therapy couch, as if I am a failure at life. It is hard to look past and through the current pain and to believe that things will improve.

Maybe some of you can relate? I would love to hear how others of you have managed to move through these times without losing all hope. I always wish I could handle myself so much better than I do, and with so much more grace and self-control, and I don't even know what?? I am just always always disappointed in me.