((((((((inbloom))))))))

October has always been really hard for me, and it really DOES feel like a huge setback when it rolls around and its hard AGAIN, despite all of the work I've done.

T and I have talked about how things "orbit" in therapy. Something comes close, and it's hard, and maybe triggering, and we may lose a little ground, but we work through it, and it moves away again...until the next time it orbits back around, maybe in a slightly different form, or maybe a different aspect of it. And we work through it again, and it moves away. And even though it feels a little bit the same (like "what? THIS again? I thought I dealt with this!"), it's not the same. We've worked and learned and healed and the fact that the hard thing comes back doesn't take all of that work and growth away from us. They are BOTH true...the healing, and the hard stuff.

Last October, I made a really conscious choice to try to make it different. I planned big things - a half marathon, a tattoo - things that were big and symbolic and that stood for "healing" to me. And you know what? It was STILL REALLY HARD. I think I had this idea I would breeze through and feel great, and it wasn't like that at all. But what I DID end up doing was finally facing the memories and feelings around October. I just let it be there. I talked about it, finally, and told the story for the first time. I allowed myself to be sad even when it "seemed" like I should be happy. I didn't judge myself.

And THIS October, finally, FINALLY, it WAS different. Still a little hard and triggery, but finally manageable. It was the first October I can ever remember that felt kind of okay.

I think we will probably always have things that are hard...certain times of the year, or certain people, or certain words, or whatever. But I also think that the power of those things can become less and less as we work on them in therapy. For me, it's been a slow, slow, slow process, and it's okay. It's okay for it to take as long as it takes.

Be gentle with yourself, inbloom. I spent years (literally) completely falling apart every October, even after starting therapy. It doesn't mean that all of the hard work between Octobers didn't count, at ALL.

Awareness is so good. Reaching out is SO good. You are doing just what you need to do.