So while in the midst of my last (current) depressive episode, my TDoc asked me if I felt I should be hospitalized and when I said I didn't want to go to the hospital she asked "Why not?" in a way that really made me feel like she was pretty close to having me hospitalized anyways. Additionally, a friend of mine (who is also a TDoc) also suggested I consider hospitalization and suggested that I talk to my PDoc about ECT.

This recent episode was the most severe of a series of episodes over the last couple of months and was an absolute train wreck - suicide notes all drafted, time and method all picked out, friend convinced me to wait a few days before doing anything and the "rush to end it all" sort of died out (still on my mind a lot though). I'm wondering if I really should consider hospitalization and/or ECT? Both scare the daylights out of me: I have heard a lot about memory and cognitive problems resulting from ECT and the idea of hospitalization just makes me want to shut down and give up in some way, like it would mean that I had lost some important battle.

Hospitalization has the potential to be a disaster for my work and home lives: I'm a Project Manager and saying that I need to take a few days off (assuming I can get away with just that as an explanation) is going to raise eyebrows all along the chain of command and/or lad to my being replaced on my current projects. The last time I discussed the possibility of being hospitalized (during a previous episode where I was dissociating and hearing voices) with my wife, she just broke down crying. Ever since then her support has been waxing and waning and I think that anything beyond therapist and psychiatrist visits would just push her over the edge.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I'm running out of options - how are hospitalizations and ECT handled these days? Could my TDoc or PDoc have me hospitalized if they sensed I might harm myself? What would that involve?

Sorry if this came out as something of a rant - I'm having racing thoughts again so my mind is all over the place