I don't feel like writing this. I just feel like curling up on my bed, clutching my teddy bear and crying. I wish I could do that all day. But I have two kids to look after so I have to try to pull myself out. I don't want to though. Feels more comfortable and safe down there where I can just shut down. It's all too much some days. Life is all too much and I wish it would all just go away. I don't know why anyone would want to know me. I don't think I'd want to know me. There are far better people out there to know... the people who are happy all the time and make good jokes and fit in and are good people and fun people to be around. I'm not like that. I've never been like that. I don't know the right things to say and I'm not good all the time. If they could see in my head, they wouldn't want to hang around me at all. I don't want to do it all anymore... I just want a holiday. I need one... I need to be able to not put on my 'face' for a little while... but I can't. My kids need me... and as soon as they wake up I have to be ok again so I can get them everything they need and play with them and give them a good childhood.