(((((Sabby)))))

I just read your thread today......behind the times by quite a bit with my slow computer that I get mad & give up some times.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know that even having medicare through disability doesn't cover my medical expenses well enough to be conscientious about caring for myself but there are some things that are necessary.

To be quite honest, I hold my mother responsible for what she put me through at the end of her life starting with the fact that she ignored the tumor that was in a very obvious place every time she went to the bathroom. A very slow growing cancer that started years before it ever got to that point......yes, she was told after the hysterectomy that she didn't need pap smears......but the kind of cancer she had starts out as a small sore in pre-cancer form & then through years, it turns into cancer......the tumor was the size of my fist by the time she ever did anything about it. She was stupid enough to tell the oncologist that it was only like that for a few months ( talk about denial).....that just made her look even more stupid even in the eyes of the Dr & me as I did research on the kind of cancer she had. Sad thing was that I never thought my mother was a very smart person all my life & she fought me about that......the end of her life didn't prove me wrong. The question your Dr asked you isn't that far off of the perception our kids have of us for the way we handle our lives. I have to admit, I went through the not caring & the anorexia as being a way to die without my family having to deal with the stigma of my actual sui......at the time, all I wanted was out. Interesting thing for my mother was that all the end of her life she kept asking me when she was "going to get well?". I never was honest with her until the very end when I told her that the only way she was going to get better was let go & let God take her to heaven rather than trying to hang on to prove that God gave her the Dr to save her life.

That was really the point when I realized how the choices we make in our life can seriously effect the quality & how the end of our life really does turn out.....things we are oblivious to most of our life when we feel completely invincible before anything of any consequence has hit our life.

I remember my daughter grew up with a girl that had diabetes from the time she was born (or at least close to it). They were good friends & she came with us many times on vacation & was also a member of the same girl scout troop as my daughter. There were many times when she would just blow off her insulin & eating candy bars & just doing bad things & would end up in the hospital because she just wanted to be normal....but she wasn't & she needed to accept herself for who & what was her life. They actually had special summer camps for diabetic children so they could learn in a peer setting about others who struggled with the same issues as they did. That was one of the huge turning points in her live

I am struggling with high blood pressure right now.....I normally have low blood pressure but when I don't sleep & eat well, & am under stress, it goes high....knowing & doing sometimes are different things.....but I look at how I saw my mother & it's definitely an inspiration to not want to be seen in the same light by my daughter. I know when I fractured my back earlier this year, I didn't have a choice even though I couldn't afford to go to the ortho & the x-rays & all the extra trips to my pain specialist at the same time when the manufacturer was having production problems with my pain med. There are some Dr's that will definitely work with you on the cost.

Sometimes we come to a point in our life where we recognize that we have to make the changes that we really unwisely thought we could ignore.....that is the time that we have to allow our wises mind too take control. We are where we are because of what we have done....that's in the past.....all we can do is make things right from this point on to show others & ourselves what our true values really are.

You know how you would inspire others to take action if they were in your place.....it's time to not only give yourself the good advice you know, & follow it.