((One Down)) I understand. I've never been hospitalized, and the prospect scares me. I've lied about how sui I feel to my pdoc and tdoc because I'm afraid they'll force me to go inpatient. And the times when I have come close to making an attempt, the nights when I was scared of myself? The times when any sensible person would get emergency help? I'd make excuses to myself to avoid getting it.

You and I have been lucky. We are both still alive, and haven't caused our bodies irreversible harm from failed sui attempts. We can't continue to gamble with our lives and health. From what you've posted, you need intense help now.

You said that going to the hospital would make you feel like you've "lost an important battle". Well, dying would mean losing the war. Being really sick does not make you a weak or bad person. Like Lauru said, if you had pneumonia you would not be ashamed to get help. The line between physical and mental illness is arbitrary. I've heard it said that the difference between neurology and psychiatry is that neuro treats brain illnesses that are well understood, while psych treats brain illnesses that are somewhat more mysterious. We really are not any different than neuro patients (who are accepted as having a physical illness that they cannot control). Eventually medicine will know how bipolar disorder develops, will have physical tests to determine its presence and severity (like brain scans), and we will have treatments that are more targeted and (hopefully) successful.

As Lauru also wisely said, your wife and job will not matter to you if you are dead. Your wife made a vow to you-"in sickness and in health". If she judges you for having an illness, then that is her problem. Perhaps you could get couples counseling. As for your job...it is highly likely that this episode is impacting your functioning and productivity. Once you get it under control, you can return to work recovered.

Feel better and stay safe.